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I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 8. Things haven’t always been perfect as we have had struggles in the past but we have always worked through most issues and have a happy life. He has pretty severe depression and I lean more on the anxious side.

Over the last 2 years my husband has been neglecting his mental and physical health. I suspect it has been a very severe depression spiral that happened as a result of quitting his job and depression medication. I know that he is unsure of what to do with his career, and I think feels stuck in general in his life.

2 years ago, he quit his job of almost 7 years due to low pay and high stress. He tried a few other jobs but ended up back at the same organization in a lower stress and lower paying position.

But in this time he also stopped taking medication for his depression or really doing anything to take care of his health. His hygiene has suffered as a result as well as he does not shower for days to weeks at a time. He has suspected sleep apnea and has not seen or talked to a doctor in over 5 years.

I have tried my best to support him as best I can both financially and emotionally. As of right now my income is significantly higher than his. I do the majority of the housework and cooking and cover a majority of the bills and costs in the household. We are suffering financially because our joint income is not very high. His income at this moment is just too low to support our household without it being detrimental. I know this is a source of shame for him so communicating about this has been hard. He knows he doesn’t make enough.

He has expressed a desire to find a different job or to further his education.But does neither beyond occasionally searching and giving up.

My job also requires long hours and is emotionally and physically taxing which leads me to not be able to help as much as I would really like at times. It’s leading to me becoming burnt out at home and at work.

He is very emotionally reserved and it is often difficult to support him or help him with what he needs because he will just refuse to talk about it or say everything is fine. He has no interest in taking medications again despite it helping in the past and does not want to go to therapy.

At this point I am just at a loss. I am deeply stressed about his state of mind and physical well being. I know some of this is attributed to anxiety, but I don’t think my concerns are that unreasonable. Our physical intimacy is also negatively affected. Libido-wise, we have never truly been on the same page, but it is truly become so awkward between us in that capacity as well the last two years. I am starting to grow resentful and emotionally distant as I am hurt in some ways that he doesn’t feel motivated to help himself even for the sake of the relationship. I understand depression is complicated. But I still think it’s your personal responsibility to help yourself.

After many verbal attempts to talk about my concerns I finally wrote him a very long letter explaining my deep concerns about his mental and physical health and requested that he: -Do something actionable towards his depression within one month -Write me a letter back explaining what I can do better to support him/increase intimacy -Make a doctor’s appointment ASAP

At first it seemed like it made a difference, he thanked me for writing the letter and told me he would write me one back like I requested. We talked about other ideas that could help with his depression, such as journaling or workbooks. But it’s been over a month and he hasn’t written me a letter back or done anything about his depression. I ended up just making his doctor’s appointment for him.

This was frustrating because he has a large amount of down time at his job of where he can do many of these things.

I understand that with depression itself, it’s hard to motivate your to do these things to take care of yourself but if you aren’t accepting help from anybody and you won’t help yourself, what more is there to do? How much longer do I wait? He is very different from the man I married. Many times when I bring this up or my concerns, he often just shuts down or gets angry with me.

It’s just incredibly heartbreaking because we are so close in many other ways. He truly is my best friend and is the most supportive person I know and there are many other qualities that I love about him, but it seems like he has no direction in his life and doesn’t want to take care of himself at all. I want to have a future and a life with him but I don’t see how that’s possible if he won’t even take care of himself or the relationship. I am in the process of getting us set up with a new relationship counselor as the old one didnt work well for us. He expresses that he loves me and still wants to be with me but just doesn’t seem happy with me.

Should I wait longer and maybe write him another more serious letter stating that if he doesn’t change then we have to reconsider the relationship? Am I not being fair enough? I feel so stuck. i don’t know how to help him anymore and it’s starting to really negatively affect me.

TL;DR My husband has been neglecting his physical and mental health for the past 2 years due to his severe depression but wont accept help from me or others or treat his depression. This is negatively affe ting the household and the relationship and at this point i am at a loss on how to provide resources or support for him anymore.