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My boyfriend (41M) and I (35F) have been together 10 years. His dream of owning a home before having kids felt achievable when we started now it feels like it’s costing me my chance at a family. I don’t know what to do.

When we got together we had long conversations about what we wanted marriage, a house, kids, good careers. We’ve ticked off the careers part. But the house has remained out of reach every time we build savings something comes up, and now with the cost of living being what it is, buying feels near impossible.

His one condition before having kids has always been owning a home first. I understand where it comes from he grew up in an unstable home, parents divorced, and owning a house represents safety and stability to him. I genuinely respect that. He also has been having reservations of raising a child with how the world is today ( for context we live in New Zealand). But I’m 35, and the health risks of having children later are real and increasingly on my mind.

I’ve tried to have the conversation we earn well, we could afford to raise a child plenty of families rent and do just fine. But he won’t budge. The house comes first.

Meanwhile, most of my close friends are on their first or second babies and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t getting to me. I’ve noticed I’ve become resentful picking fights over small things that spiral, becoming more distant and being less intimate. Which then causes more arguments, I can feel the relationship unraveling and I hate that I’m part of the reason why.

I feel like I’m stuck and lost, I’m faced with options that break my heart

Stay, accept that the house may never happen on a timeline that works for my fertility, and try to make peace with not having children knowing I’m already struggling to contain the resentment.

Leave someone I genuinely love deeply, which makes me feel physically sick to think about to pursue a family with someone else. (Which is no guarantee I would find someone and end up childless anyway)

A friend announced her pregnancy today and I just died a little inside. I am happy for all my friend and genuinely love all my nieces and nephews. I just feel like I’m being left behind. All our group chat is now is about babies or being a parent.

Has anyone been through something like this? How did you navigate it either the conversation, the decision, or just the emotional weight of it? I could really use some outside perspective.