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My wife (28F) won’t let me (27M) spend a few hours alone with my longtime friends. I feel trapped.
I (27M) and my wife (28F) have been together for 6 years, married for 4, and we have a 1-year-old daughter. I work a schedule where I usually work 3 to 4 days a week (12-hour shifts). On my days off I stay home with our daughter and take care of her by myself without any issues, so my wife is definitely not alone with childcare most of the time.
I also have a group of friends that I’ve known since school. We’ve known each other for about 17 years, and for at least the last 14 years we’ve had the tradition of getting together occasionally at one of the guys’ houses to talk, play video games, and catch up.
Since my wife and I got together, this has been a recurring argument whenever the guys try to organize a “guys-only” meetup.
This tradition started long before our relationships. It brings us nostalgia, and it’s a moment where we can talk about life, vent about things, and reconnect. But she doesn’t really understand it.
At first she would say things like:
“Why can’t women come? What are you going to talk about that I can’t know?”
Later it changed to:
“My friends never exclude each other’s partners when we organize something. Do your friends not like me? Is my presence not welcome?”
And today the argument became:
“You’re going to leave me alone with our daughter so you can go to an exclusionary hangout with people who didn’t even care enough to come meet our daughter? You need to know your priorities.”
For context, if she wanted to go out with just her friends, I would have absolutely no problem staying home with our daughter. In fact, I encourage her to go out and see them more often since she also doesn’t see them that much. But that’s not something they usually do.
So once again I had to give my friends the bad news. They were all frustrated because it’s been more than two years since we’ve met without spouses present, and this meetup would last at most about five hours.
Another thing is that our group doesn’t really socialize online. We didn’t grow up that way, and it feels strange for us, so we usually meet in person.
Some of them say this situation feels toxic and that I should fight for my freedom. One of them even questioned whether I’m really a “good friend” because I don’t make enough effort to show up. But that’s not true.
Sometimes I feel like just saying “I’m going and that’s it.” But honestly, I’m afraid of coming home and finding the house empty. In other arguments unrelated to this issue, she has threatened to leave with our daughter.
And I’m simply not willing to risk not having my daughter close to me or missing out on watching her grow up. I also really do love my wife.
So I feel stuck.
How can I deal with this situation? I honestly don’t know what to do. I need my friends, but I also can’t afford to lose everything.
TL;DR:
My wife (28F) refuses to let me (27M) attend a 5-hour guys-only meetup with friends I’ve had for 17 years. These meetups have been a tradition for over a decade, but every time it causes an argument. I work 3–4 days a week and take care of our daughter alone on my days off, and I’d fully support her going out with her friends too. I’m afraid to push the issue because she has previously threatened to leave with our daughter. Now I feel stuck between my marriage and maintaining my friendships.
