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I’ve always had a complicated relationship with my dad. He’s very controlling and has always been a “helicopter” parent when I was growing up. I always wanted to be closer with him but conversations were always very surface level unless they were criticisms or fights. I felt like I was walking on eggshells around my dad and step mom and felt as though I couldn’t be myself. I constantly had to tailor myself to fit their view of me so that I could live up to their expectations. For years I followed their rules, did as they wanted, and made them proud, until now.

A couple years ago when I was 18 they found out I had been having sleepovers with my boyfriend and immediately shut it down, they had a long in-depth intervention where ultimately I was told to promise them it wouldn’t happen again (from my memory they wouldn’t let me leave the conversation until I promised but they are saying I made that up). I am now 21 and have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a 1/2 years. I decided after trying to keep the promise I didn’t want to make, that I didn’t want to let them dictate where I decided to stay, so I started sleeping over at my boyfriends about a year and a half after the conversation.

Fast forward my car was having issues and broke down at my boyfriends house, the car is in my dads name so I had to have him come help where he flat out asked me if I had slept over. I didn’t want to lie so I told the truth and he immediately told me to get in the car and that he’s taking me home. At first I declined but he essentially told me I’m going with him whether I like it or not. After getting home my step mom and him pounced on me and accused me of lying and deceiving them. They told me I was still a “young adult” while being supported by them and as long as I was I would need to follow their beliefs even if I didn’t agree or believe the same. They gave me 2 options: Option 1: stop all sleepovers with my boyfriend, download Life360, and I wouldn’t be allowed to sleep at my mom’s house (who also let me have sleepovers). Or Option 2: I become a “full adult” and financially support myself. Now my dad paid for everything phone, car, apartment, college, health insurance, etc. This decision was hard but I wasn’t happy under their constant control and micromanaging so I chose to financially support myself.

I did everything he asked for me to do by the end of the month- went on state insurance, paid for apartment and utilities, paid for college, etc. The end of the month was nearing and the last thing I had to do was transfer to my own phone plan, he wanted me to stay on the same carrier but onto my own plan, but my mom’s plan had better deals so I went in to transfer. I contacted my step mom to get the transfer pin to my phone and she happily helped me, when my dad realized this he called me and yelled at me like I’ve never heard before. Told me to stop making this harder on everyone, I’m not the daughter he raised, told me to stay on their phone insurance and pay them, told me I’m just like my mother, he said I can “go play house with my boyfriend”, he then told me to bring back all the equipment they own (phone, tablet, and car) and to “have a good life” then hung up on me. I was heartbroken that my dad would say these things to me, I cried for hours, had a panic attack, and felt thoroughly confused: I was trying to do what he had asked, why was he so mad???

I pulled my shit together and re-designed my plan to be fully on my own without anything he owned. Then came the text fights where I came at him all business with how I was going to handle things and I was met with resistance, fights, and unkind words. When I told him I was going on state insurance (like he advised) he told me I was going to end up with a colostomy bag and ruin my life basically (I have a chronic condition). He would get me to be emotional by saying nice things and acting like he cared and then switching up and saying mean things again. It was this evil cycle of me trying to be self sufficient and him fighting me. One big issue was that he told me months ago that he would pay for an apartment for me next year, signed the lease and said he’d take care of me. He then cut me off and said I needed to pay the cancellation fee. I did not agree to this because why would I pay a cancellation fee for something he previously agreed to pay for and something I would not have signed on if I knew he was going to back out. Another big problem was that my car was in a shop 40 minutes away since before he took it away I had planned on getting it fixed. I told him since he took it back he would have to contact the shop and see about either fixing it or having it towed. He was extremely upset by this and told me I needed to pay for the fix and hand deliver the car to him. I stood up for myself and said no and he told me I’m sticking them with payments (car, phone, tablet, apartment fee.)

The big question here is am I in the wrong? I constantly feel crazy with all the things he’s saying to me. He keeps saying all of this was my decision and choices have consequences but I didn’t feel like I had a choice when he said I wouldn’t be allowed to stay the night at my mom’s per his agreement. I love my mom, why would I ever agree to that?! I go back and forth between guilt and resilience and I’m in a constant state of stress. I understand they are upset about me not keeping my promise and I feel bad about that but on the other hand I’m 21 and I thought I could make the decision of where I stayed myself. I’m just so lost right now and need some input on this situation.

Update as I’m writing this: I called my car insurance company to see about canceling my insurance so I wouldn’t have to pay for next month and my dad has jumped to conclusions yet again. This is his text word for word: “But you know I would be driving the car back to (his place) and you know enough about insurance that if I were to have an accident I could lose everything. “ another text right after “Things are becoming really clear to me so thank you.”

I replied: “I actually was not even thinking about that. I wasn’t just going to cancel it like that, I was inquiring about how I could so I wouldn’t have to pay next month. I already paid the fee this month, I was asking them about how I could get off the insurance so I didn’t pay 100 dollars again next month. Why do you just assume the worse? There’s no reason as to why I would want you to lose everything so don’t even say that.” (My harsh words are because he keeps accusing me of these horrible things that aren’t even remotely true)

I know I should stop feeding into his luring but I don’t want him to think of me this way and it hurts that he’s jumping to these conclusions.

TL;DR:

My very controlling dad found out I (21) was sleeping over at my long-term boyfriend’s place, which broke a promise I made at 18 after they pressured me. He gave me an ultimatum: follow strict rules (no sleepovers, tracking app, limits on seeing my mom) or become fully financially independent. I chose independence and started moving everything (insurance, phone, etc.) to my own name. When I did, he explode, told me to return everything he paid for, said hurtful things, and keeps fighting me whenever I try to separate financially. Now I’m stressed and questioning whether I’m in the wrong for wanting autonomy as an adult.